Thursday, November 10, 2005

music speaks for me

"Lookin for something that I can believe in
Lookin for something that I'd like to do with my life
There's nothin behind me and nothin that ties me
To somethin that might have been true yesterday
Tomorrow is open and right now it seems to be more
Than enough to just be there today
And I don't know what the future is holdin in store
I don't know where I'm goin, I'm not sure where I've been"
~John Denver, "Sweet Surrender"

"Take it easy
Take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels
Drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don't even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand
And take it easy"
~The Eagles - "Take it Easy"

i like those lyrics, especially right now... eh, i guess they explain some things better than i can

Sunday, October 30, 2005


just so you know

i had the most fun i think i could have had, pictures will be developed soon

god what freakin awesome memories

Thursday, October 13, 2005



do you ever catch yourself being something you absolutely do not want to be? i certainly do... and i realize it in the middle of a conversation, or while walking down the street, or while typing something... so then i just stop, and ya know, i get mad that im being w/e it is that i dont want to be, but of course i end up doing it again... and again... and again. idk, im not always like that, my convictions will occasionally show up in my personality, but its just really annoying to keep acting in this way, being something i dont really want to be... id like to figure out how to stop that

that thing we listened to at tok was not too cool.... i guess its easy to use one sided arguments and propaganda when no one is there to debate against you.... of course i suppose thats maybe what i do whenever i write an opinion about something.... but im going to tell you what i think of what that guy said anyway. for those of you in my class, you know what im talking about. otherwise, this gist of this guys essay was that history repeats itself, that the war with iraq is like the civil war (i wont explain exactly why), and it will prove to be good, that preemptive action on the part of bush's administration is very good (and good in general when concerning wars), and that pacifists are cowardly and selfish. idk, i probably shouldnt get too into this, cuz ill get a bit TOed, but i think that the whole preemptive thing is a little shaky... i would say hitler thought he was being preemptive in murdering millions of people, preventing them from hurting the aryan race... that really wasnt a good preemptive action now was it? and to say that pacifists are selfish... well see, that whole preemptive thing, the idea that we are preventing iraq from hurting us, well, that too is selfish my friend. im not exactly sure where i stand on pacifism, but im not one to resort to war in any and all circumstances...

lately ive really taken out my filter for what i say... i mean, i didnt used to filter it much before, but still, every once in a while when id IM someone, i would read over what i had written to see what i thought about it... now i find that i just type/say whatever comes to mind... i dont take as much time to think it through.... thats a virtue and a vice i think... so sorry if things i say seem more weird than normal... although ive always said weird things, so maybe the difference will be so slight it wont be noticed

it seems hard to find something when you dont know what you're looking for... idk exactly where im coming from with that, but i guess its sort of a collection of thoughts from many years all rolled into one sentence

i really enjoying hugging people... you should be prepared for hugs cuz im prepared to give them at any random point in the day.... or night :O yes, yes.... idk, i think hugs are just my way of saying "you make me happy in some way, even if its in a little way, you make me happy"... now if you dont want hugs, thats understandable, we all express our gratitude in different ways and some of us just dont like... touching... so tell me, and ill stop doing it to you... otherwise, get ready for it

idk... im still really stuck on the idea of finding something when you dont know what you're looking for....

i guess this little piece shows that my favorite way to write is through a stream of consciousness... its easy for me i suppose

Sunday, September 25, 2005

peter pan is the man

i <3 peter pan

i just watched hook, i looove that movie... i love the peter pan cartoon movie too

makes me wish i could visit neverland, how sweet that would be

Sunday, September 18, 2005

sandlot, homecoming, moods, garden state, and cereal

mmm i just finished watching the sandlot, what a good movie. its so funny, and those kids do such crazy stuff. reminds me of my childhood. i mean, i didnt play baseball or run from giant ferocious doggies (except one time), but my friends and i did weird fun stuff. i sware we were so weird as kids, but just so cool. i wish i was still that creative. i mean, i never have ideas like i used to, like using a laundry basket as a pirate ship to navigate around the house... or maybe its just that im too big to fit in that laundry basket anymore... lol while i was just writing that last sentence, i realized its both a literal and metaphorical thing... hah and i love how i just wrote that even though its obvious... i like pointing out the obvious things

homecoming was fun, im glad i went. i didnt have really any expectations for the night, cuz ya know, its not exactly my type of music or anything so i didnt know how much i would enjoy it, but the atmosphere and the people i was with made it fun and i enjoyed myself very much. dinner was great, the spinner on the table, ro ro putting her fork down to try to decide who would spin it and then yang saying she should cuz she is even though kelsey too is chinese... that was a fun little part of dinner. i kinda liked stepping out of the convos for a while too and just watching everyone. it was like some movie where they show this big family sitting down to dinner at like christmas or something and everyone is taking food from the middle and chatting and laughing and smiling, and you dont hear what people are saying, you just hear the buzzing of words flying around and its like, this is nice... i like this. yeah dancing was generally fun too, i like randomly flailing parts of my body around...and they played my song, "dont you wish your girlfriend was CRUNK like me" hahahah i loved it.

so yeah now im just here hanging out.... idk, ya know i get weird cuz i dont have much to complain about and things are going well right now, ive had fun the past few days and ive seen my friends who i adore, but i still just... idk, get in moods alot where im just not really that happy.... eh idk, its an easy mood to get out of if i just figure out something to do... we all get like that dont we? yes yes i bet you all get like that too

i really like garden state. there are just certain parts where i think, wow, thats exactly how i feel all the time put into words and made into an awesome movie. and the soundtrack is just beautiful... i loooooove it.

i love cereal too... im gonna go get me some cinnamon life

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

the sky was gold, it was rose

sometimes i get in these moods and i just go outside and look up at the sky, and this evening, i looked toward the mountains and saw the sun starting to set, falling behind the clouds and reflecting off of them, creating these really beautiful colors, and standing there in the street, i just felt at ease, i felt peaceful, i felt happy... and its like no matter what is going on in my life, i can let it go for a minute to look up to the gorgeous sky and feel content. i really like that feeling

"the sky was gold, it was rose, i was taking sips of it to my nose"

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

jumpin on the bandwagon

hey so im gonna jump on the bandwagon (not something i generally do) everyone else is on for their blogs lately, simply because it got me thinking about things when i read everyones posts.

so... living. thats what we're all doing right? it seems like there is some minimum requirement, some level we have to reach before we are "living". so im thinking about this level of living it seems we need to reach. how does one go about achieving this level of living? are there certain experiences we must have before we can be considered "living"? i mean, what if you do something totally amazing, some crazy adventure that most people never experience but always want to, and you walk away from the experience having learned nothing, having the same point of view on life? is that living? or what if you do some mundane activity that people do everyday, without even thinking about what they are doing because it is so bland and ordinary, but you have this revelation about life because of it and you are changed, maybe not a lot but you are changed, because of it? is this living? am i living?
"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."

i dunno... i do like the idea of us giving our own meaning to life. i know we cant control everything, in fact there are so many things we cant control, but there is something we can do, we can choose to go out and do things or we can choose not to for fear of whatever it is that scares us. even through pain and anger and sadness, i think i prefer doing something and regretting it rather than not doing something and wondering what could have been and then regretting not doing it. i mean i dont have a lot of regrets thus far (though there are some), but if im going to have regrets, id rather have experiences to accompany them. and as far as choosing whether or not to do something because of the risks that accompany it, i just think of this quote from Waking Life: "What is the most universal human characteristic, fear or laziness?" are we afraid of taking risks and having experiences, or are we just too lazy? and is laziness perhaps just a manifestation of fear, because we dont want to admit we are afraid so we play it off as something else? idk, but lately i have been trying not to have that fear. natalie said something to me about life that i like: "Sometimes you gotta let go of your fears and inhibitions and jump into that moshpit". well, moshpit may not be the preferred analogy for some of you, but it is my cup of tea :). and the analogy works and its true. you might get a little beat up in the pit, but if you never go in, you always wish you would have, even if only for a few minutes.

as far as the whole ups and downs of life thing goes, i know people will complain, and thats ok cuz i will too. its ok to complain sometimes, and everyone does, its just a matter of realizing that you do have some control and you can do something about what is going on in your life. its also a matter of looking at the good and bad, like rohini said, and looking at what you can learn from your experience. its all about perspective man.
"The reason why I refuse to take existentialism as just another French fashion or historical curiosity is that I think it has something very important to offer us... I'm afraid were losing the real virtues of living life passionately, in the sense of taking responsibility for who you are, the ability to make something of yourself, and feeling good about life. Existentialism is often discussed as if it were a philosophy of despair, but I think the truth is just the opposite. Sartre, once interviewed, said he never felt one minute of despair in his life. One thing that comes out from reading these guys is not a sense of anguish about life so much as a real kind of exuberance, of feeling on top of it, it's like your life is yours to create. Ive read the post modernists with some interest, even admiration, but when I read them I always have this awful nagging feeling that something absolutely essential is getting left out. The more you talk about a person as a social construction or as a confluence of forces or as being fragmented of marginalised, what you do is you open up a whole new world of excuses. And when Sartre talks about responsibilty, he's not talking about something abstract. He's not talking about the kind of self or souls that theologians would talk about. He's talking about you and me talking, making decisions, doing things, and taking the consequences. It might be true that there are six million people in this world, and counting, but nevertheless, what you do makes a difference. It makes a difference, first of all, in material terms, it makes a difference to other people, and it sets an example. In short, I think the message here is that we should never write ourselves off or see eachother as a victim of various forces. It's always our decision who we are."

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

i dunno man, i dunno

i dunno man, i dunno... thats my catch phrase of the week, just because i say it all the time but im not quite sure why. i bet freud would say i have some repressed socially unacceptable sexual desire stemming from childhood. you see that kids, im pulling out that freudian psychology, preparing to return to school. haha, listening to czech music makes me realize how much i just dont understand, the czech language being just one of the things i dont understand. im not even sure i really try to understand anymore, i just go along and think that maybe understanding will just smack me right in the face sometime. not a hard smack or anything, lol, im not one for pain. so this czech music though, its just really cool, its kinda like flogging molly in a way, only slightly less instrumental, and im not sure what they are singing about, obviously, which actually makes it better anyway. see, because i dont know what they are singing about, i get to pretend whatever i want, so the songs are just for fun without any deeper thought expected of myself. its awesome. and it makes me think of being in prague and buying kick ass beads and going into sex museums and meeting cool german kids in the town square and just walking around in the middle of a city where all i know how to say is "please", "thank you", and "hello". man it was fun, it seems like forever since we went to europe now. thats basically how the whole summer has seemed. all the little things sort of mingle together in my memory like some very distant experiences and i cant tell what day something happened or who i was with necessarily, its just some vague memory of sitting in my house talking about some inane subject. its kind of weird because i was thinking about my childhood memories, not the impactful ones that ill never forget, but just the little things, like watching my brother play a video game or setting up cones in the backyard and running around them. those are things that i sometimes wonder if they really happened, or if i just dreamed them at some point and they seeped into my memory. maybe i did dream alot of it, but does that make a difference? i dunno man, i dunno

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

better than boys

well at least this is better than thinking about boys

I stepped outside, without shoes, my feet were slightly damp, and the first thing I thought was, "Will I remember the way the street I grew up on smells after rain? The way the houses seem to linger under the hazy aura emanating from the streetlight? The way the school stairs become stars, glittering and twinkling from dew drops that cling to their edges? The way the pitter-patter sounds as I walk into the street, moistening the ends of my pant leg? Will I remember any of these seemingly inconsequential things, or will I simply forget them as insignificant daily happenings? For as I well know, ‘remembering is so much more a psychotic activity than forgetting’." Somehow, at that moment when I stepped into the street, the threshold of what ultimately determined my philosophy of life (at least for the night), I realized these were things I didn’t want to forget. They had some meaning to me that I couldn’t quite understand, but I felt it, and I knew it, and even if only for the briefest of moments, I accepted it as my memory’s fate. I stood still, taking a deep breath through my nostrils, savoring every sensuous scent accompanied by these miniscule raindrops. Radiating through me was the sudden urge to remember every scent, taste, touch, sight…yet it was more than that; it wasn’t simply the senses that I wanted to remember, it was the stirring deep inside that all these senses evoked. It’s not something I can explain, because it isn’t something of the mind or even of the soul. And I realized it wasn’t something I would consciously remember. No, this was something of another realm. The memory would remain in my skin, my bones, my flesh. It was all very peculiar, but it was home, and it was the first time in a long time I felt at home. It was only a moment, but it was eternity. And in that momentary eternity, I knew I was home.

mmm i thought about not posting that, but since i typed it here first, im going to go with that and just post it

Thursday, July 21, 2005

i dont want to be an ant

gah i hate being attracted to someone and liking them and everything. it seems to take up all my thoughts and that sucks. there are so many other, more important things to think about, yet i cant because i can only think about one thing. and i end up just feeling like a lame teenager because i cant stop thinking about liking someone. blahhhh, i hate that i like thinking about him.

i dunno why i update this thing, mostly out of boredom i think

its weird how something that is so good can be so bad at the same time, and it makes you wonder if its worth it or not